I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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