It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
