You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
