Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
