the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
