Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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