How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
