he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
