We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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