The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Randomize
