What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
