I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Randomize
