no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
