I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
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