I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
