I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Randomize
