I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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