life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Randomize
