what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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