Got a toothbrush?
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
we made out on top of his cat.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
