How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
