kristin has been a bad kristin
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
