he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize
