Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Fuck appropriateness.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
