And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
