someone threw a dead crab at me
Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Randomize
