just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
