I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
