Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
