need another drink. this is the easiest way
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
