pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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