there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Randomize
