If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
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