OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
