I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
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