and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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