Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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