when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
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