just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
