Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
