Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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