The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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