i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
