Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Small penises have feelings too.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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