for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
