His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
