I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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