I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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