awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
