You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
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