Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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