remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
