you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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