you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
