I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
