I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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