Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
