3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
