I was born with a shot glass in my hand
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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