no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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